Episode 7: Forgiveness Without Reconciliation: Setting Yourself Free Safely

Episode 7 – “Forgiveness Without Reconciliation: Setting Yourself Free Safely”
Does forgiveness mean you have to reconcile, forget, or let harmful people back in? Absolutely not. In this episode, you’ll learn the difference between forgiveness, reconciliation, and access. Rev. Stormyee shows from Scripture how you can release people to God’s justice without minimizing the harm or re‑entering unsafe dynamics. If “forgive and forget” has been used as a weapon against you, this conversation will help you find a safer, truer path into forgiveness that honors both God and your safety. 

Primary Scriptures for this episode (feel free to pause and look them up): 

• Luke 23:34 – “Father, forgive them…”
• Matthew 18:21–35 – The parable of the unforgiving servant.
• Romans 12:17–21 – Leaving room for God’s justice.
• Colossians 3:13 – Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
• Proverbs 4:23 – Guard your heart.

In our next episode, we’ll lean more into your identity—moving from victim to survivor to thriver, and rooting your identity in Christ rather than in trauma.

Until then, may you feel the freedom to move toward forgiveness at a pace that honors both your story and your safety.

With fierce love and unshakeable faith,
I’m Rev. Stormyee, and this is Wholeness.
 
 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Welcome to Holeness with Reference Stormy Edmundson. A space for healing, faith, and kingdom purpose. I'm Reference Stormy Edmundson, ordained minister, Christian life coach, and your companion on the journey from trauma to child. Here we talk about the real things. Healing from pain, renewing the mind, building holy boundaries, growing in faith, and walking politically in the colony. God has placed in your life. Whether you're in a season of survival, restoration, or thriving, this would be a reminder that God sees you. God is with you in your story. Our primary scriptures for today, and feel free to pause to look them up are Luke chapter twenty three, verse thirty four. Father, forgive them. Matthew chapter eighteen, verses twenty one through thirty five. The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant Romans chapter twelve verses seventeen through twenty one leaving room for God's justice. Colossians chapter three thirteen Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And Proverbs chapter four verse twenty three. Guard your heart. Hi friends, welcome back to wholeness with Reverend Stormy. So far in our episodes, we've named the trauma that God sees. We've talked about your body learning survival, we've honored your grief, began to rebuild trust and increments, looked at safer people and communities, and talked about boundaries as a way to protect what God is healing. Today we step into one of the most misunderstood topics in church, especially around trauma, and that is forgiveness. This episode is called Forgiveness Without Reconciliation, Setting Yourself Free Safely. We're going to talk about what forgiveness actually is and what it is not. Why forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation or restored relationship. A gentle process for moving toward forgiveness at a pace that honors your safety and your nervous system. If you've been pressured to forgive and forget, to reconcile with your abuser, or to prove your faith by going back into unsafe situations, I'm so sorry. That is not the heart of Jesus. Let's pray. Jesus, you know the wounds we carry and the confusion we feel around forgiveness. You also know the harm that's been done in your name when Scripture about forgiveness is misused. Would you please bring clarity and protection and freedom today? Show us how to forgive in ways that align with your justice and our safety. Amen. Let's take a breath. You can pause this anytime you need to. You're not doing this alone. Segment one, what forgiveness is not. Forgive and forget is not a biblical command. God may choose not to hold our sins against us, but he does not literally lose his memory. Your brain remembers to protect you, and remembering is not unforgiveness, it's wisdom. Excusing or minimizing. Forgiving someone is not saying it wasn't that bad or they didn't know any better. What happened to you was wrong. Full stop. Forgiveness doesn't shrink sin. It acknowledges it fully and then chooses a different response. Reconciliation. Forgiveness is something you can choose with God. Reconciliation requires two people, one who repents and changes, and one who chooses to rebuild trust. You can forgive someone and never have a relationship with them again. Automatic restoration of trust. Trust is earned over time through consistent behavior. Forgiveness can be offered once and trust is rebuilt slowly, if at all. You can forgive someone and still never trust them with your heart or safety. Allowing access. You can forgive someone and still block their number, maintain a restraining order, or refuse to be in the same room. Forgiveness does not require you to put yourself back in harm's way. If anyone tells you that real forgiveness means going back to abuse, they are not speaking for Jesus. Segment two What forgiveness is So what is forgiveness? At its core, forgiveness is releasing the debt. And that means it's acknowledging you hurt me deeply, you owe me something you can never fully repay, an apology, the years I lost, the childhood I deserved. I am choosing to release you from that debt, not because you deserve it, because I do not want to be chained to this forever. Letting God handle justice. In Romans chapter twelve, verse nineteen it says, Do not take revenge, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, it is mine to avenge, I will repay, says the Lord. Forgiveness is placing the case in God's hands, trusting that He sees, He knows, and He will deal with it, whether through their genuine repentance or through His justice. Choosing not to feed revenge fantasies. It doesn't mean you never think of the harm again, but over time you choose not to keep rehearsing how you would punish them. When your mind goes there, you gently turn back to God. This is yours to handle, God. A process, not a one time event. Especially with deep trauma, forgiveness is rarely a single moment. It's a series of choices over time as new layers of pain surface. Forgiveness is first and foremost about your freedom, not about their access. Segment three Examples from Jesus Cross and Boundaries On the Cross in Luke chapter twenty three verse thirty four, Jesus prays, Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. He is surrounded by people mocking him, abusing him, and killing him. He forgives, and yet forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation with each person in that moment. Jesus offers forgiveness widely, but relationship, intimacy, and trust are for those who repent, believe, and follow. Similarly, in Matthew chapter 18, Jesus teaches about forgiveness in the parable of the unforgiving servant. He makes it clear that harboring unforgiveness is destructive to our own hearts. But even then, forgiveness never means ignoring justice or pretending harm didn't happen. Remember what we saw in early episodes. Jesus sets boundaries. He walks away from unsafe people. He doesn't entrust himself to everyone. So we hold these together. God calls us toward forgiveness as a heart posture. God also calls us to guard our hearts and walk in wisdom. Those are not opposites, they are partners. Segment four. Jesus speaks to the part of you that resists forgiveness. Listen now as if Jesus is speaking to the part of you that tenses or gets angry when you hear the word forgive. My child, I know what they did to you. I know what they took from you. I know the nights you lost, the years you spent in survival, the way your very sense of self was shaken. I'm not asking you to say it didn't matter. I am not asking you to pretend it didn't hurt. I am not asking you to invite them back into your life. I am asking you to let me hold the weight of what they did so it doesn't keep crushing you. Forgiveness is not me taking their side against you. Forgiveness is me taking your heart out from under the weight of bitterness so that you can breathe again. You are allowed to keep your distance, you are allowed to have boundaries, you are allowed to say no to reconciliation. And over time, you're invited to hand me the gavel to let me be the judge, so that you don't have to live every day as a prosecutor, jury, and executioner in your own soul. You do not have to be ready to fully forgive today. You're simply invited to consider the forgiveness that might be more about your release than their relief. Segment five forgiveness and your nervous system. Forgiveness conversations often ignore the body, but your nervous system matters here too. If someone says you just need to forgive while your heart is pounding, your stomach is clenched, your hands are shaking, or you feel frozen or numb, your body is telling you we still feel unsafe with this person or situation. That doesn't mean you can never forgive. It means your system may need safety first, which is distance, boundaries, sometimes legal or protective steps, validation that what happened was wrong, support, such as therapy, community, or spiritual care. Before I can even begin to consider forgiveness, sometimes the first step is not I forgive them, but what happened to me was wrong, it was not my fault, I have the right to be safe now. Forgiveness does not bypass your body's need for safety, it honors it. Segment six a gentle forgiveness exercise without forcing it. We're gonna do a very gentle exercise. You're not being asked to fully forgive someone today. You're simply going to bring one situation into God's presence and see where you are. If it feels safe, find a supported position, either sitting or lying down, whatever's comfortable for you. Take a slow breath in, through your nose, and out through your mouth. Let's repeat that. Slow breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Now think of one person or situation connected to your traumas. Choose something that feels like a medium weight situation, not the most overwhelming memory, but something that still hurts. And ask yourself what did they do? In simple terms. What did it cost me emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally? You might form a sentence in your mind. God when did blank it hurt me by blank. Let yourself notice any emotions that come. Anger, sadness, numbness. Now imagine placing that person, not in your arms, but in God's courtroom. Picture a bench, a judge's seat. This is not about God being harsh. It's about him being just and wise. He might pray something like, God, I bring this to you. You see what they did, you know the damage, you know what I lost. I confess I don't know how to handle all this. I don't trust them. I may not be ready to fully forgive yet. But I am willing to let you hold this case. Just that. You're not forcing your heart to say more than it can. If you feel a tiny nudge, you can add, Jesus, where can I help me move toward releasing this debt to you? Not all at once, but step by step. Show me what forgiveness could look like. One a forgiveness one that honors my need for safety. Let's take another breath. If at any point you feel overwhelmed, and that's your cue to pause, ground yourself. Look around the room, feel your feet on the floor, and come back later. Or talk to a safe person. Segment seven. Forgiveness without reconciliation. Here are some concrete scenarios. So to make this really concrete, scenario one, let's take an abusive family member. Now forgiveness might look like a long, layered internal process with God, where you gradually release the demand that they pay you back, saying, I hand their ultimate accountability over to you, God. Reconciliation may not happen. You may instead go low contact or no contact. Only see them in mediated or group settings, if at all. Maintain strong boundaries for life. You can be walking in forgiveness and still keep space. Scenario two a spiritually abusive church or group setting community. Forgiveness might look like naming the harm. They misrepresented you, God. Letting go of the fantasy that one day they will fully understand and fix everything so your healing isn't held hostage to their repentance. Reconciliation may be never returning to that church or community, or having limited clear boundary contact with few individuals while no longer submitting to that leadership. Scenario three. Someone who has genuinely repented and changed. Forgiveness may over time open the door to some level of reconciliation, but even then, trust is rebuilt gradually. You might start with small structured interactions, evaluate whether or not their behavior is consistent over time. Keep your support system involved. In each case, forgiveness is about your heart and God. Reconciliation and closeness are about the other person's behavior, safety, and true repentance. Segment eight. Reflection questions in homework. Here are some questions to ponder or journal this week. What messages about forgiveness did I receive that may have been unhealthy or safe? In my mind, what do I fear forgiveness will mean? For example, I'll be vulnerable again, they'll think it was okay, people will push me back into relationship. Can I imagine forgiveness as releasing a case to God's hands without inviting someone back into my life? For homework, choose one of the following. Option one naming the debt. Write a letter you don't have to send, starting with this is what you did. And this is what it cost me. When you're done, pray, God, you see this. I put this in your hands. You're not forcing forgiveness, you're practicing honesty and transfer. Option two a tiny forgiveness prayer. For one offense, even a smaller one, pray. Jesus, I choose to release this person to you for this specific thing. I release the demand that they make this right. You see, you know. Help my heart catch up to these words over time. Option three A Safety First List. List the boundaries you need in place before you can even consider deeper forgiveness, such as no contact, therapy, support group. Pray Jesus, help me prioritize safety as I walk toward forgiveness with you. Segment nine, our closing and preview. Friends, forgiveness is not God's siding with your abuser. Forgiveness is God's siding with your freedom. You are allowed to forgive and still say I will never be in a relationship with them again. Forgive and keep your boundaries. Forgive slowly with support, as your nervous system and heart are ready. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, thank you that you understand the depth of the harm that's been done. You see the cost in our bodies, minds, and spirits. For every listener who feels pressured or confused about forgiveness, would you please untangle the lies? Where forgiveness has been used as a weapon to drive survivors back into harm, break that misuse off of them. Where hearts are hardened in self protection, meet them gently. Where there is a desire to forgive, but no idea how, start a process that is kind and grounded in safety. And this is wholeness.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

Jesus loves me as I know, for the Bible tells me so little. They are weak, but he strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me.